Basketball Wives LA | Season 3 | Episode 3 | Review | Recap | Opinion
The show starts out with Jackie and her gang, the Jackets! Brittish and Sundy
at Wynn Nail Spa.
Brittish and Sundy are talking about Brandi. Saying things like, she is broke, doesn't have a job, is insecure, thinks she's better than everybody else, is ugly, has a stank attitude, and a bad make up artist!
As for Draya, they feel that she looked cute at the Turkish party, but she is a habitually naked little slut, that needs to put some clothes on! Which is of course hilarious because Sundy Carter used to be a booty model herself! Yes! Miss Judgmental Sundy Carter used to take pictures nude or almost nude for dollars. She was a stripper for photographers.
To make it worse, when Sundy sees Draya, she's gonna call her her old stripper name. "Miami", just to be petty witch!
And I just wanna know whether or not Draya slept with her man! Why else would Sundy be so insecure about chicken wing?
In our next scene we we visit Andaz to see the pretty girls on the show.
Brandi, Malaysia and that fine ass Draya!
Draya is playing hoe coach. and tells Brandi that Brittish is a 5 year old, who hangs out with 50 year old kidnappers like Jackie, because she gave her a bag of candy!
As for this homo party that Jackie is planning, Draya is going to be the self appointed assistant manager and make sure the other women are doing what they are supposed to be doing.
In one of the best scenes of the show. We meet up with Draya at the park with her son that is almost as tall as her. The reason why this is our first time seeing him is because Draya abandoned hm a long time ago to chase penis and money.
On a side note, Draya used to go out with Erica Mena, and birds of a feather, neglect their children together! But, she is ready to be a mommy for at least one funny and very short scene!
This little boy looked so confused when he saw his mother! He gave her that look like, "And who are you and where are we going?"
She said, "get your ass in the car boy! I'm your mother!"
If this boy is almost her size, and judging by how young she looks. I'd say that she had him at around 14. Oh well, I'd still smash Draya! Even if she is pushing the dirty 30 and has had more miles put on her than a fleet of U-Hauls!
So, the two erected a goal and pulled out a soccer ball! And we all know that erections and balls are Draya's specialty! But Niko somehow beat Draya at Soccer which is funny because, Draya has had more balls dangling from her face than a Christmas tree! So I just don't get it!
So now, Jackie goes to visit her daughter Chantel. And you can tell that they're related. They both have the family neck! You know? A neck with more lines than Whitney Houston's coffee table? Uh huh!
Don't get me wrong. She's cute, with her big ass forehead. But besides having a satellite dish for a forehead and those big, ugly old school earrings. She is nice looking. From certain angles. For a chub wub! Even if she does have a double chin and all that fat around her neck.
I'd smash. If she wouldn't tell anybody!
Jackie said she wants to be her momager, you know mom slash manager. like Kris Jenner. And Chantel looks mortified!
Come to find out, Jackie used to manage Chantel's non existent singing career. And she was a complete control freak,! Her pimping, I mean managing style ruined their personal relationship. What may be even more disturbing is the fact that Jackie told her that she is her favorite child! So, she has her children divided up into categories?
Chantel, says that tshe accepts her as who she is. A character. and people who are characters, lack character. Jackie is obviously insane.Just my observation.
So Jackie aks Chantel about who she is dating. Chantel informs her mom that the guy she was dating is Orlando! Draya's client! I mean current boyfriend!
She then informs her mom that Orlando tried to hit it from the back! And the front, and sideways, and upside down. and he tried to get her to lick his asshole too! But she told him, "no!" "All that you can get from me is conversation and a tease!"
Now the conversation got to be really sketchy when she said that she not only has she been to his house, but has washed some dishes and everything. And that comment leads me to ask this question. Does this fool need to invest in some paper plates and plastic forks? Or were you washing dishes the nights that you stayed over and Orlando was beating them walls like a "Flip This House" marathon?! You home wrecking hussy!
So, Chantel found out on the internet about Orlando screwing Draya! Probably on that crappy Lip Stick Alley website. (Those nosy heifers!) Also, people sent her pictures, then she saw him at the ESPY awards with Draya!
Jackie being the mafia leader that she is, is going to talk to Draya as opposed to Chantel speaking with her. Because Chantel is too immature and insecure to be civilized the our favorite prostitute! And Jackie pinky swears that she wont tell Chanetels daddy, Doug. And when I say, "pinky swear" I don't mean her finger, I mean she swore on her pink pussy!
Jackie is on Eyes Wide Shut shit! Trust me!
In our next scene it's the 6 month anniversary of Draya and Orlando's relationship. And she blind folded him and he sat her nearly naked booty on the counter! After they pop the champagne, he informs Draya that he purchased her a little present. So he walks off, and comes back walking very gay. And draya swears that he is about to propose! But nah! He lets her know that he is 26 years old and he isn't thinking about marriage right now. Especially when it comes to marrying strippers and prostitutes with a big old son almost as tall as him!
Draya is thirsty from being a whore. Or as she words it, "where there's a dry mouth, there's a wet pussy!" You see, Draya only wanted two things her whole lifetime. An asshole that would stop falling inside out. And someone to look pass the fact that she's had more trains ran on her than Bugs Bunny!
So he hands her a box of earrings and she asks him, "So Orlando are you ever gonna propose to me?" And Orlando said, "Nah bitch! All you are to me is some LIP! You know L.I.P.? Live In Pussy!" Enjoy your free ride. And suck on this pop dickle!
Now Doug and Jackie are meeting up.
Jackie informs Doug about the Draya situation. Which she should. Because if something were to happen to their cute, big bootied daughter. Jackie wouldn't be able to get it off of her tiny little conscious. So Doug tells her that she better bring the Jackets! Because Draya might kill the messenger!
So, now were at the park with Doug and Lorenzo. And they're about to do some training. And I notices something odd! Lorenzo is thick, like a football player.The only basketball he should be playing is balling up some fruits and veges, and placing them in his shopping basket! Fat sloppy fucker!
Lorenzo asked Doug for some advice concerning marriage. Such as, how him and British can stay together in a loving and happy marriage.
Doug informs Lorenzo that what him and Jackie did was this.
So, he went into some stupid speech about circles and fruit loops and hoola hoops and some other bull shit. I mean. I have never been married. But my advice to Lorenzo would have been this. "Brah! You wanna stay married a long time? Well, okay! E.T.B.! Eat the Booty! And preferably with extra spit. And yeah! That's the key to a happy and prosperous marriage!"
So, after that old bull shit about love and circles. Doug told him the truth! He told Lorenzo that if he wants to never get divorced. He needs to eat that booty! And tie her up, upside down, and beat her until she bleeds with a whip, or a slender strap! While she's blindfolded!
He also informs Lorenzo about role playing. Because all of this is unheard of by someone his age. Sure! Ha ha! And of course marriages are all about sex. Well at least in Jackie and Doug's secret world! Mmm, Hmm!
Now we visit the Stone Candle Bar! Malaysia and Playa are shopping for the gift bag items for that homo event that Jackie is throwing so that she can continue to pimp the gays.
Malaysia wants to buy candles because, she doesn't know what the Hell that scam artists Jackie wants! And that was the first thing she saw when she walked in so, works for her!
So, Malaysia thinks that she has 200 bags to stuff, and they found the perfect item for a gang of fudge packers. A rainbow candle! You know, since the sausage sippers stole the Rainbow from Jesus? And while they're waiting for a black out to happen, they can shove the candle up their ass!
So it's multipurpose! Or as Draya says, "It's a win, win, for your rear end!"
Anyway, so, Malaysia calls Jackie to ask her about the money for the candles. And whether or not this is a good enough present. So, Jackie informs her that she only has to do 50 bags and that she expects other people that she's hustling to be suckers, I mean donate! As she puts it!
In other words, you're paying for it Malaysia! You may be pretty, but you're not smart, at all!
And come to find out Jackie has spent about $30,000 on the event already. Probably to dig a hole for that dungeon to hide the secret orgy! Anyway! Before she can try to hustle Malaysia some more. Draya, who is the type of hoe that is used to being saved, comes to Malaysia's aid. She swooped down like the bird she is and squawked into the phone and parroted this message. *Bird Voice* "Squawk! Girl, bye!"
Now we visit the Duplex. Jackie and Doug, are sitting up their looking like Will and Jada. With Brittish and Lorenzo. I can tell you this much! I think that Jackie and Doug are swingers! Something tells me that they're possible going to have an orgy, were everyone gets stuck! Doug and Lorenzo look like the type to get the booty bumped anyway! I smell sugar!
So, Lorenzo asks Jackie about how it feels to be married. And Jackie implies that her and Doug are each others beards! And they have S.W.A.G, which stands for, "Secretly We Are Gay!"
And their dirty little gay secret and the thought of deceiving the world is what keeps them going!
So, Brittish lets them know that she has changed Lorenzo! He used to be out their screwing a lot of girls. But her head game is sick so he "changed", just for her!*Scoffs!*
Jackie asks if they fantasize. And then she start talking about role playing, just like Doug did earlier! Because, Jackie and Doug do shit like this when they're recruiting people for their secret sex parties. And partner swapping! And Brittish and Lorenzo are not falling for it for even one second! In fact, they seem to be appalled by the idea of Doug sicking his balled head into Jackies hairy ass! They almost got up and ran out of that restaurant!
Now were at the Castaway. Sundy and Jackie, and Jackie's new wig sit down.
Jackie is looking just like that character from that movie, "The Dark Crystal!"
Sundy may be cute, but she is a fucking hater! She starts talking crap about how Brandi better not be at the homo bash, or she will hit her in the head with a bottle, or trip her, or tickle her to death or something!
So Jackie cuts her off and starts telling her about Chantel sucking off Orlando.
And everyone knows that Sundy's daughter swallows swords for a living. So, Jackie found something that she has in common with Sundy. Yep! Dick sucking daughters, bringing the world together since 1380!
Sundy is shocked! Not as surprised as she was when she received that nasty backlash from the entire planet when she tweeted out a picture of her own daughter suckling the penis upon the internet!
Anyway, besides them connecting on their daughters sucking penis's. Sundy, with her evil alien sounding voice and her alien looking face is still hating on Draya! And she wants to be there when Jackie informs her about Chantel and Orlando.
Now were visiting Il Cielo, which is Spanish for, "Ciara has a little butt".
Playa is meeting up with Malaysia and Brandi.
And Playa says that she has been with Orlando for 6 months and they are still using condoms. and that makes Draya feel grown up! Which is an improvement. She usually feels felt up!
The funny thing about this scene is when Draya starts talking about how she is a crazy, psychotic girlfriend. The type that goes through your phone, and your brain while you're sleeping! And she does anal cavity searches too. With no glove.
She also said that she sleeps with one eye on her man. I guess so when everything on you is fake. Wig on the jacket holder, eye on her man, titties on the door step! Ass in the pantry, brain in the oven!
Mr's Potato head swag, with a play dough pussy and monopoly money! Tragic Mulatto! Man! Mixed chicks stay losing!
Come to find out, the other heifers have been cheated on before and this scares Draya. I mean, she slept with everyone's man as a come up. And Karma is going to bite Playa bad when Orlando gives her that magic! Yep! That Magic Johnson! That dirty A. Or, the Aids! He'll be cheating and bringing back flees in no time. He's that type. I can tell! And that's when I'm gonna scoop her! I'll be rich by then!
I love how Draya, the side chick super heroine acts as if she is so shocked by the fact that people cheat! She has hidden in a number of closets when the wife has come home! In her life time! I can see her little skinny ass now peeking out of the garbage can like Oscar the Grouch, with a banana on her head. As the wife pulls into the garage, home sick from work or because she forgot something!
Anyway, she said that she was about to cry! Then I realized that she was about to cry laughing. Because she has cheated with both of these women's men. Wow, I guess light skin really is the right skin!
In our final scene were at Rockwell restaurant.
Jackie brought the jackets out to protect her from Draya's rain! Yep! She brought Malaysia and Sundy with her. And Sundy informs Draya that she knows the tea that Jackie is about to spill.
And Sundy is masturbating anticipation for this news to be cast!
Jackie lets Draya know that Orlando was slobbing down Chantel. And Draya denies it at first. And says that Chantel used to fuck his friend, but not Orlando! So then Jackie whips out her phone and shows her the proof!
And I'll see you next review to finish the story! Because that's where the scene ends!
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